Attention All Male Customers Over 30

Some of you stare a tad longer than I would like, and some of you awkwardly say nice things to me that come out a lot creepier than intended.  To help you understand the dichotomy between what you perceive in your mind and what is actually happening, I've drawn this for you. 

Think of it as how-to guide, in not being creepy.  (If how-to guides gave no actually how-tos about fixing the problem in question).   

I hope this little information session has been informative.  Please stop being freaky now.  

 

Please. 

Dresses: A 33 Syllable Haiku

I have to wear a dress tomorrow.  For, like, a billion hours.  (Or however many hours might be in a day).

So I Made a LinkedIn

I've decided that I need to start being super professional and work hard towards getting a job since I'm really close to graduating.  The first logical step towards responsibility is getting a LinkedIn, so I've heard. 

I'm not exactly sure how a LinkedIn profile works because no one has yet explained it to me and I refuse to read any information that the website might helpfully provide.  But, I have one. 

I spent a good portion of Easter telling my mom to scoot out of the way of my webcam so I could take a picture that makes me look respectable and ambitious.

But taking pictures for the professional world got boring really fast.  As did asking my mom "How 'bout this one?" after every picture and then having her ignore me because she was making sandwiches or something ridiculously mundane like that.

So after a while, this is what happened:

 
I honestly think I only look good when I am making a face that makes me look like an ass.

But I have a solution for my LinkedIn profile picture that will make me appear to be "down with the cool kids" and also super competent!  (Because I lack actual competency, so I need something to make me appear that way).

Yup, I went for a hipster joke. 

For any jobs requiring a comic book hipster, I have this photo that will surely take me where I need to go:

BAM!

I just made an entire blog post comprised solely of my face.  What up, lazy? 

But, seriously, I need a job.  And, I'm not sure things like this help my credibility.

I'm Not Good at Being a Girl

I was raised by a mom who worked full time and a dad who stayed at home to take care of me and my brother.  So, my gender roles have always been confused.  To me, men stay home to baby the children and women bring home the bacon.  I have never felt pressure to conform to being a "real woman".  I was never taught how to cook, I was never given a baby doll and if I was ever coerced into wearing a floofy dress it was purely for a family event. 

Thus, I've never understood how to be a typical girl.

I was never interested in makeup, and my mom didn't really teach me how to do it. So, I wear minimal makeup as to avoid looking like a skank. 

But it's not like I'm a tom boy.  Boy things are just as foreign to me as girl things are. 

I guess all of the things I like are gender neutral, but leaning heavier on the girly side.  

By the way, my felhunter's name is Drooroon.  But, as a Warlock I do not get to pick my pet's name.  If I could name him, I would name him Friend.

Graduating

I am feeling really overwhelmed with the fact that I am graduating in three weeks and have things due every second of every day and I actually have to do these things.  I think this is ludicrous!  I concentrated for four years and was a ridiculously good student, I did my time.

I made that sound like I'm an inmate who's getting released on good behavior.  I may as well be.   

I have to be done with school right now.

In the illustrious words of Stephen Jenkins, whom I named my car after, "Can I graduate?"

Maybe a Third Eye Blind post will be in my future.

My Boyfriend Doesn't Watch TV Right

I am very serious about my television.

Television is to me what fine wine or expensive handbags are to other people.  I'm not sure that analogy makes any sense, but just keep in mind that television is my favorite thing ever.  Nothing surpasses it.

Not even people.  Except maybe the people on it.

Besides independently enjoying television, my favorite thing is to share my joyful experiences with those I love!  (Yay!)

When I show someone an episode or a clip I am no longer watching the monitor, but their reaction.  I am obsessed with gauging how much people like what I am showing them.

I like watching people smile.

That came out a lot creepier than intended.  Let me fix this.

When I show a person a clip and they look away briefly, I become very agitated.  

My boyfriend, Mike, does not understand my necessity for him to keep his eyes glued to the television while the awesome video I pull up is playing.  He is not a careful television watcher, which I find one of the most disgraceful things in the universe.  Time spent with the television on, but with eyes not on the screen, should be time spent thinking about how you should pause what you are watching because it is gravely important to your life.

I am not joking.

 Except, Mike does not normally get scared.  Mostly he gets annoyed and tells me he was watching the whole time.

Lies.

What makes this so hair-tearing-ly irritating is that most of the things we watch together are things I have already seen.  So I know all the good parts.  And somehow, he instinctively knows when said good parts are coming up because he chooses these moments to get up and make a bowl of ice cream or talk over the video or turn his head into the couch so he can't see just to annoy me (because he knows I get irritated when his eyes are not on the screen).

Constantly, he is talking over major plot lines.  

 
This is not a joke.  Inattentive Television Watching (I.T.W.) is an unquestionably devastating disease and those suffering are a burden to their friends and family.

My suggestion is opening their eyelids A Clockwork Orange style and sewing their clothes to the couch.  I think it is our only option, besides death. 

Then, Mike and others with signs of I.T.W. will finally experience every, precious drop of genius imbued in the most important medium ever invented. 

The Rain

I find the older I get the more unacceptable it is to like certain things.  Or rather, it becomes an obligation for adults to hate unchangeable conditions.

When you grow up, I don't think you're supposed to like the rain.  And while part of me falls into the uniform dislike of dreary weather, I still find myself hoping it won't stop.  Secretly, I'm glad when an entire day gets eaten up by clouds.

I know what I'm supposed to think.

But I can't help but feel I should go run around in it.

I guess my point is that it's okay to still play in the rain.


Especially if you are trying desperately to avoid becoming an adult.

UPDATE: I totally spun in circles on my deck today after work because it started drizzling after I asked Mike if he wanted to go for a walk, and then he locked me outside. So, Mike is a jerk.  And, playing in the rain?  Officially achieved.  Hoorah!