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I love cheetahs and coffee and opening boxes.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Horse Guy

I mentioned I work at a liquor store.

A decent amount of the customer population of the liquor store is made up of creeps.  The majority of the people are really nice and fun to talk to, but once in a while you will find a weirdo.

Everything in that picture is 100% factual.  I also forgot to mention that he has given me chocolates in the shape of horseshoes, about 20 dollars, and that the pictures framed are of horses and fox hunts.

In case you don't believe me that a perfume called Nuzzle exists, check it out here

Instead of calling this man his proper name, I'm just going to call him the Horse Guy. 

Horse Guy mumbles a lot and it is really difficult to understand him.  And he loves talking to people.  He will wait for me to ring other people up and will then proceed to talk with them about the weather until they leave and then he will talk to me.  It is always the same conversation.

"Crazy weather."  He shakes his head.  "So, what, you think you're going to go down to Florida?"  I tell him I am not going to Florida.  "Why not?"  And he laughs.  He really wants me to go to Florida.  Then he says, "You should get a convertible."  No.  I do not want a convertible.  "A nice red convertible, right?  Yeah."  No.  No red convertible. He shakes his head again.  "Gas prices, right?"

I started playing a game where I get on my phone and text while he talks to me to see how long it will take him to give up in his attempt at being my friend and go get his beer. 

He usually just keeps talking.

I once sent my mom a text asking her to call me about a couch she was looking at in a furniture store and decided to have a really in depth discussion about a couch I did not care about.  It was a five minute conversation, and Horse Guy waited for me to wrap it up.  Then he called me spoiled.

He calls me spoiled a lot and I'm not exactly sure why.  I tell him all I do is work and go to school, and he calls me spoiled.  I work two jobs, and he calls me spoiled.

He also thinks TJ Maxx is a restaurant, which is kind of amazing.

One of his favorite things to say is, "Gotta make some money!"  I'm not sure if this order is directed at me, or if he is talking to himself. 

Horse Guy works at horse shows and gives out prints, or something.  He buys paintings then frames them and sells them for more money.  He tells me how he buys these things dirt cheap, but I'm beginning to think that people throw the paintings at him in an attempt to get him to stop talking. 

Every time he makes money from selling his paintings he flashes the money at me.  I don't know what he wants me to do with it.  A few times he has made me sit there and count it. 

Sometimes I think I should take some of the money just to teach him a lesson that he should not let a stranger count out his $138.  It's very dangerous, but Horse Guy does not see this.  I am his friend, and he tells me this quite often. 

But, Horse Guy has taught me a few important life lessons.

1. Don't talk to people.  People are scary.

2. Don't be nice to people.  It will make them think you are Scrooge McDuck and you have the personal obligation to count their money for them. 

3. Don't accept gifts from semi-strangers, because they will only continue to shower you with compliments and awkward horse-themed gifts.

4. A convertible is all a girl should strive towards.  If you have that your life has finally found true meaning and should immediately end.


*Disclaimer: I still really hate convertibles.

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